You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
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