I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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