Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
