Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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