I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
