Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
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No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
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Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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