note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
you win again, gameday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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