she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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