Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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