Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Randomize
