last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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