she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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