he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize