that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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