You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
