I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night