Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
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I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
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Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.