I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Dating After Heartbreak
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you