Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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