Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
