im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I just found puke in my bra..
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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