Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
