you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
