I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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