i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Randomize
