ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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