Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
