you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
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