my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Dignity is for republicans.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom