Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Randomize
