in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
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