Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
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checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.