He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
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This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
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I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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