the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....