i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.