Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
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and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
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The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"