Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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