"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
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I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
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just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
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