would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Randomize
