Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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