if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
