No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
