If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
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