And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
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i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
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I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
He shit in the fireplace
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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