I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
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she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
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Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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