I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Randomize
