I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
