I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Less talking, more tequila
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just blew my weed a kiss
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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