nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize