he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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