My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
27 Parents Confess Shocking Secrets Their Kids Don’t Know
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.