U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
19 Of The Most Epic “I Quit’ Stories Ever
Less talking, more tequila
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
25 People Reveal The Creepiest Kids They Went to School With
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.