I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Randomize
