Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.