Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.