Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
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I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
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after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
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So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*