It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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