the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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